my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
