I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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