I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
