First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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