is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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