i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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