it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
