I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
