i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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