The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
