Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
