You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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