He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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