my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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