I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
