Cold hands, warm shart.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
