My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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