She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
