Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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