I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
