Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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