what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.