Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
