Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
