I cockslap morals
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
