a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
