saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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