My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
