Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
