I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
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she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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