Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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