I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
