He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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