Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
