Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
