There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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