I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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