After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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