it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
