Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
