He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
