Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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