I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
