Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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