he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
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I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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