Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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