guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
