can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
