im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
