Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's rum buckets o'clock
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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