just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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