when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
