I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
