do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
