my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
