I looked at my own cervix.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
