Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This baby is an asshole
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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