my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
