If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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