ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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