this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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