Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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