I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
