Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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